I miss everything good about the town I live in. I miss 2010-2011, where I was happy with the friendships I had and no-one stabbed anyone in the back. I was in a long term relationship with the first person who I ever felt that I loved, and without being overly sentimental, everything seemed so much better. Even days where nothing seemed to be working out, there was a guaranteed pick-me-up - these days I’d be lucky to get through a good day without some small hints of worry; about my future, about my friendships, about my income, and about the health of my family.
I don’t have anyone to confide any of this in, either, so things are twice as hard. I once thought that I had a best friend who I could tell anything to, but after some mistakes made along the way, predominantly romantic and sexual gestures initiated by me, then later on reciprocated then regretted by him, we barely speak any more and I’m left to ponder everything alone. I just long for the days where we all hung out in Henley, lighting BBQs and bonfires and social nights at whoever’s house. That was the thing, no matter what time or day or occasion, there was always something to do - there was always a friend who you could visit, there was always a group of people to see a concert with, there was always somewhere you were welcome. And now, conversely, I can’t even remember the last time anything like that happened, nor can I remember the last time I was kissed or even hugged by somebody I properly care for.
Everybody has moved away to make better futures for themselves and hopefully someday I will do to, potentially next year depending on auditions and various things, but that’s irrelevant. It doesn’t stop right now from sucking, and being one of the most lonely winters I’ve had the misfortune to experience.